In a time characterized by my complete lack of ability to figure out what I want do with my life, I've been trying hard to stay sane with limited practical results. Through the storm and raging winds going on within my head, I've come to a conclusion though: I like to think of myself as a programmer but to be completely honest about it I haven't done much to warrant such a tag. I'm often trapped on reading theorical text over theoretical text when I know by heart that the only way to learn programming and actually be good (not to say great) on it is to actually program. Which, you know, means writing code.
Millions of times before I've taken strong resolutions about my conduct on technical matters and how resilient I want to be, and all crap like that. Millions of times I tried and millions of times I failed. Not that I haven't been picking up stuff at all. I have and I realize I am now better than I was a couple of years ago but I also do realize that I should have made much more from the opportunites I've had all these years. It's not everyone who's fortunate enough to have gotten a microcomputer aged 6 or 7 and those who do usually are bright enough to take that chance and build upon it. I wasn't. Somewhere down the line through my youth there's a technical black hole, full of game playing, football playing and other assorted social life stuff which kept me from doing what I find myself thriving for: programming. Creating beautiful stuff using beautiful languages. The net effect of all this was that I didn't choose a CS related course during elementary school, opting instead for what here in Portugal is probably known as General Science area. In retrospect, it shouldn't be (and in all likelihood it isn't) a show stopper for what I want to become really good at. But it definitely means something.
By the way, let me be honest about this. I don't want to be really good for the others to see. Most of all, and call it whatever you like, I want to feel accomplished within myself and it's precisely the opposite that's happening right now. I have a bit of recognition from the others (which I truly do not deserve, at least the way I see it) but I'm deeply unhappy with what I have achieved so far. And knowing that I had the opportunity to make much more, having put most of it to waste, saddens me no end.
So now, I'm trying to do something about it. Tonight I had what people with alcohol problems call "a moment of clarity" (to quote Sam Jackson in Pulp Fiction) and I've come to realize deep inside what it means (and feels) to write beautiful code and most of all to be able to see others' code due to open source. I realize this is all very silly and obvious, but in what I hope is not just a passing feeling, something clicked and I feel like I'm now, somehow, able to follow a slightly different and more focused path. I'm sick and tired of feeling like a blank matrix dying to be filled. I want to do something about it and I need to be focused in order to do so.
That focus has been very slippery and I'm desperately trying to catch it. And by the way, if you are actually reading this I hope I haven't brought you down with my self-deprecating whining. I really do.
